Forgiveness for Your Health.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve introduced the notion of everything being energy, especially our values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions. And how, whatever is your most prominent way of thinking, positive or negative, this will be your experience. If you are angry and resentful most of the time, you will continue to have experiences that will give you a reason to be angry and upset. If you are mostly happy, then more of those experiences will show up.
Forgiveness has particularly dense energy that can prevent you from truly living the life you want. Struggling with it is expected, and getting stuck in unforgiveness can have an enormous negative impact on your health.
What is Forgiveness?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, forgiveness is defined as:
“The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven: stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake: no longer feel angry about or wish to punish (an offence, flaw, or mistake).”
Forgiveness is an intentional process that doesn’t mean condoning, excusing or forgetting.
Most faiths encourage forgiveness, even if the offender doesn’t deserve it or has not made any effort to repent. In Buddhism, it’s more about the negative impact that the harmful thoughts of not forgiving have on one’s well-being. The memories of the wrongdoing create negative feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that significantly impact our life.
You don’t need to follow any particular faith to benefit from the act of forgiving; it isn’t just for saints, martyrs and the Dalai Lama. Forgiveness is something that we should learn and practice. Yes, practice, because it does take time, attention and effort.
Do the people who have betrayed and hurt us deserve our forgiveness? Shouldn’t we hold them accountable for their behaviour and not let them get away with whatever they did?
Forgiveness for minor offences is usually pretty easy, especially if the offender offers a heartfelt apology. It becomes more challenging when someone has maliciously and deliberately hurt us. Or if someone we love and trust has committed some pretty awful transgression that shakes up our world. On the face of it, it makes perfect sense not to offer forgiveness in these situations. However, is it easier to hold onto negative emotions of hurt and resentment connected to unforgiveness? These earth-shattering and sometimes life-changing moments take time; a lot of time and effort to heal from. Add to it the offender not apologizing, and you will face a long road to recovery. A journey that is worth taking.
We’ve all had these moments in our lives. Years ago, I worked with some individuals I can only describe as bullies. They were truly awful to me and deliberately hurt me. I hung on to the feelings of hurt, fear and resentment for far too long. I did finally forgive them, in my way, for me. I didn’t talk to them; I did some deep work that included some therapy and finally was able to let it go. This Loving Kindness Meditation/Prayer helped immensely, but not something I was able to do in the beginning. Now, I rarely think about them and would never want to spend time with them, but I have some (not a lot) compassion for them, wondering what happened to them to make them feel it was ok to behave that way. If I saw them walking on the other side of the street, I would not go out of my way to say hello; if I stumbled into them, I’d say hello, and carry on. I do not wish them any harm.
I’m fortunate that I haven’t found myself in a situation where the act was so evil and heinous and destroyed the life of someone I love. I don’t know how you work towards forgiveness in those situations. However, I’ve read that many people have done that for themselves and their loved ones. Quit a spiritual feat.
Unforgiveness does not feel good. Forgiveness does. Unforgiveness is like stagnate river, that is stuck and not moving. Forgiveness is a flowing river that may occasionally stall, but is mostly moving with ease.
“Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.” Source
I’m always advocating that nothing is more important than self-care, and I believe that forgiveness is a form of self-care.
If you are struggling with this, consider the following:
Bodywork
We carry stress, grief and trauma in our bodies. Bodywork helps release all of this and allows for forgiveness to be possible. Yoga, regular massages, reiki, acupuncture, emotional freedom technique (EFT), and other forms of energy work help. I worked with an energy healer years ago, and the transformation was remarkable. Restorative Yoga is a fantastic way to release deep feelings and stress. It also helps calm the nervous system and cultivates conscious relaxation.
Forgiveness is a practice.
Forgive yourself first.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
Take your time. It’s your journey, and you need to do it in your way and in your timeline.
Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you. You are not letting them off the hook for their bad behaviour.
Forgiveness is about setting yourself free and not allowing the pain to take up space in your heart and thoughts.
Forgiveness creates space for joy, love and endless possibilities.
Forgiveness allows for complete healing.
If forgiveness seems impossible, then can you focus on at least letting the situation go? Ensuring that you are not thinking about it too much.
If you are finding these process difficult, consider finding some support or therapy.
Some excellent resources:
Marianne Williamson
Thich Nhat Hanh
The Dalai Lama
Don Miguel Ruiz
Carolyn Myss
Tara Brach-so much great material on her website
This interview with Marianne Williamson and Oprah is so powerful and still blows me away.
Video with Carolyn Myss, Oprah and others on forgiveness
Emotional Freedom Technique for forgiveness.
Unforgiveness is giving your power and happiness away to someone who probably rarely thinks about you. Do you have some work to do in this area? I know that I do. Remember, Forgiveness is an act of strength and a gift we give to ourselves.
Be well & let go.
Anita
