Stuck in All-or-Nothing Thinking? It Might Be Why You Keep Starting Over.
Hello!
Do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged about goals you genuinely care about?
Maybe you started the year with wonderful intentions. Get stronger. Eat better. Organize your finances. Be more creative. Finally tackle that long-avoided project at home. You made a plan and felt motivated. Then life, being life, stepped in. A busy week. Bad weather. Illness. Unexpected stress. Your routine is disrupted, and suddenly it feels like everything has fallen apart.
And then of course, the inner critical dialogue starts:
“I missed a few days. I’ve blown it.”
“I can never stay consistent.”
“What’s the point now?”
What follows is often more than a simple pause. You give up completely or wait for the next perfect restart.
This pattern is incredibly human. It is also a classic example of something psychologists call all-or-nothing thinking. This approach is often rooted in perfectionism and setting incredibly unreasonable expectations for ourselves. This is precisely why less than 10% of people who set New Year’s resolutions stick with them.
I began noticing this tendency in myself. If I could not follow a plan exactly as intended, I felt there was little reason to continue. I injured my arm earlier this year and was instructed by my physiotherapist to avoid any upper-body weightlifting for a few weeks. My first instinct was to stop going to the gym altogether. It felt pointless if I could not do my full workout.
Then I heard an interview with James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, and he offered a simple yet powerful idea: “reduce the scope while sticking to the schedule.”
I was curious about the history of this approach and learned that Dr. Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist and regarded as the father of cognitive therapy, explored these patterns. He identified all-or-nothing thinking, also known as dichotomous or black-and-white thinking, as a primary cognitive distortion common in depression, anxiety, and perfectionism. It involves viewing situations in extreme, polarized categories (e.g., success vs. failure) without acknowledging nuance, often leading to unrealistic expectations and emotional distress. Source
The trouble with this mindset is that it dismisses any progress:
One missed workout becomes “I’ve failed.”
One indulgent meal becomes “I’ve ruined everything.”
A few unproductive days become “Why bother?”
Over time, this thinking can drain motivation and chip away at self-confidence, not because we lack discipline, but because our standards leave no room for flexibility.
A Gentler Way to Think About Consistency
What if consistency has nothing to do with getting it right every time?
What if it is just the gentle decision to come back, again and again?
You adjust. You keep going. You do not quit.
A short walk still counts.
Choosing a healthier meal after a less-than-ideal one still matters.
Fifteen minutes spent writing, stretching, or organizing still moves life forward.
Small actions are never wasted. In fact, they are often what keep momentum alive.
I’ve continued to attend my gym, but adjusted my workouts. No upper-body training for a while, but plenty of cardio, lower-body work, and yes, a peaceful sauna visit. I reduced the scope, but stuck to the schedule. The habit stayed intact, even if the workout changed.
I am applying the same thinking to other goals and projects. Post Peggy’s passing, our home needs a deep clean and purge. In the past, I would have tried to tackle everything in a single weekend, which usually ended in exhaustion, frustration, and unfinished tasks.
This time, I am taking smaller, more manageable steps. Some days I accomplish quite a lot. Other days I simply make a dent. Both are progress.
The other day, I set out to purge the kitchen cupboards and only completed one. And that was enough.
When All-or-Nothing Can Be Useful
Interestingly, all-or-nothing thinking is not always the villain. It can be helpful when the rules are clear and the time frame is short.
“I am doing Dry January.”
“I am not taking on new commitments until I finish this project.”
In these situations, the short-term boundary makes it doable.
But for most of life, a gentler and more forgiving mindset serves us far better. Life is messy. Routines get interrupted. Energy fluctuates. None of this means you are failing.
Do not give up on the things that matter to you. You are worth the effort and deserve to feel a sense of accomplishment. What truly matters is the willingness to begin again. What you repeat, you reinforce. Even an imperfect effort counts.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself.
Anita 🙏💕
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