The Power of No!
How do you feel when you say no? Do you get anxious just thinking about it? Saying no is challenging for most of us. We want to make people happy, be liked, and not disappoint those we care about or annoy a boss. If you are always saying yes, not only will it impede your self-care, it will leave you open to exploitation.
I have always been amazed and inspired by the few individuals I know who seem to say “no” so effortlessly. They don’t second-guess their decision, nor do they feel guilty for honouring their time and health.
Setting this type of limit goes beyond saying no to a request. Maybe you need to say no to long hours at work, relationships that are draining and lack reciprocity, or how you are treating yourself with an unhealthy diet or lifestyle.
Learning to deny a request confidently is a boundary issue. Having good and healthy boundaries is critical to your well-being.
I’ve been in situations where I agreed to something only to feel regret as soon as my yes was leaving my lips. Occasionally I have been put on the spot because it happened in front of a group of people, and I wanted to be a nice person. At times I have followed through with whatever I said yes to with great resentment or had to cancel because what I agreed to wasn’t possible. Neither situation is respectable. Walking around with resentment when the recipient of your yes is unaware of how you feel can turn into a poisonous situation. Letting the person down by reneging on your yes can hurt your relationship.
Since these awful and very awkward situations, my comfort in saying no has significantly improved. Thank goodness! It was not easy and took an enormous amount of practice. What helped me the most is realizing that I don’t need to give a definitive answer right away, and I started responding by saying: “I have to check my schedule; let me get back to you.” This gave me time to think about the request, check my calendar and with my husband, and ask myself: “Do I have time for this?” “Will this interfere with my self-care in any way?” It was awkward at first, but with a few opportunities to practice this, it became much more comfortable. My regular yoga and meditation practice also helped by increasing my awareness regarding the importance of my self-care.
I believe that it is essential to be as nice and friendly as you can with your nos. There is no need to be rude or curt. You can politely decline: “no thank-you.” With these soft responses, most people have respected my decisions and dropped the subject. I also realized that if someone gets unreasonably annoyed with my no, then I have to ask myself if I want that person in my life.
Years ago, I knew an individual that I didn’t particularly like or trust. They were very aggressive and insisted that we go for coffee. It was something that I had no desire to do. I didn’t say yes, which was good, but I didn’t say a clear no either. For months, this person kept asking, and I kept making excuses. Finally, I responded by saying: “Thank you so much for your kind offer. I’m going to pass though.” Polite and very clear. I did not give a reason. This person never asked me for a coffee again or bothered me about anything else. It was such a relief.
It is also essential to be mindful of excuses. You don’t need to explain yourself, and your no will lose its’ strength and clarity if you go on and on with an explanation. If your new to this “no” concept and feel you need to give a reason, keep it short: “sorry, this is not a good time for me” or “my schedule won’t allow it.” Keep in mind that pushy or demanding people will persist, especially if the request is from someone that is used to you saying yes, and if this is the situation, you have to be strong and repeat what you said and then end the conversation.
It is imperative to find some balance. You don’t want to go to the extreme of saying no all of the time because that will disconnect and isolate you from your community. You also don’t want to continue saying yes all of the time because that will cause exhaustion and resentment. Say no to take care of yourself and say yes when it works for you, and it feels good.
Make the decision that your self-care is important. It takes practice and courage, and will get easier. Ask yourself: “by saying yes to this request, what I’m I saying no to in my life.” Saying no is being honest and is as crucial as getting a good night’s sleep, eating well, and exercising. Saying no is saying yes to your well-being and life.
This is an excellent episode from CBC’s DNTO- “When Did You Realize the Power of No?”
http://www.cbc.ca/radio_template_2012/audiopop.html?autoPlay=true&clipIds=2440806064
Be well.
Anita
