Don’t Make Assumptions.
In a November blog, I wrote about the best-selling book, The Four Agreements, which is one of my favourite self-discovery and personal growth books. I’ve read the book many times and often revisit it when I feel derailed and overwhelmed with limiting beliefs. Its profound and straightforward wisdom grounds me and has provided me with a code of conduct that can easily be applied to daily life.
The Four Agreements
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
I also mentioned in my November blog that I would write about each agreement in more detail. With this blog, I’ll discuss The Third Agreement:
Don’t Make Assumptions
· Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
· Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
· With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
We’ve all had moments when we’ve made assumptions or quickly judged a person or situation, only to find out later that we were utterly wrong in our opinions.
This type of knee-jerk reaction can be painful to the recipient of the judgment and embarrassing for the one that judged. There’s a level of arrogance when we make assumptions feeling that we know how someone feels and thinks without making inquiries to ensure we have all the facts.
Why do we make assumptions?
Our life experiences and backgrounds inform how we see individuals and interpret situations, which can influence us to believe that our way of seeing is the only way to see.
We make assumptions quickly and unconsciously, often without knowing the whole story or bothering to ask any questions. They are habitual; if we pay attention, we will realize how often we make assumptions and judge others. Sometimes these responses are trivial and harmless; other times, they can hurt others or ourselves, especially when we make a decision about someone based on an individual’s gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, education, or ability.
We can also make assumptions when we think that people should know what we need and want, and when they don’t, we assume that they don’t care.
How to stop making assumptions?
The only way to make change is by being honest about your actions. Pay attention to your reactions and thoughts over a few days and observe how often you make assumptions and judgments. Notice patterns. I’ve done this a few times and am shocked at how quickly I made many assumptions about people I don’t know.
Do you assume that the person driving slowly in front of you is a lousy driver deliberately trying to ruin your day when maybe they have just received bad news?
Do you assume that overweight people are lazy? Perhaps they have some severe health issues or are recovering from trauma.
Do you make assumptions based on someone’s race or religion without knowing the person?
Do you see a group of teenagers and think-nothing but trouble? I did this a few years ago when our dog Peggy went missing. I saw a group of teenagers just hanging out and made assumptions about them when a few hours later, they found Peggy and ensured she was returned home safely.
Catch yourself doing it and stop yourself from entering a vortex of judgment. Instead of jumping to conclusions, silently send the person a little blessing-” I wish you well.”
You might be thinking, but what about the people who deserve judgment because I know they are not friendly and have done bad things? Give them very little attention. It’s not worth it.
Some more Wisdom from Don Miguel Ruiz:
Assume nothing.
Discern the Truth
Be aware of unconscious assumptions.
Ask for what you want.
Learn to ask questions.
Speak openly and honestly (with kindness).
I’ve found that when taking good care of myself, sleeping and eating well, meditating, doing yoga, and going for walks, I’m in a more positive frame of mind and less likely to be judgmental. Assumptions and judgment are often projections of our insecurities and unhappiness and can quickly spread like an out-of-control forest fire. We usually don’t know what people are going through, even those close to us, and I find it helpful to believe that people are doing their best. Think the best instead of the worst about people and situations; you will feel happier and more free and bring more joy into the world.
Be well.
Anita
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