Don’t Take Anything Personally.
In a November blog, I wrote about the best-selling book, The Four Agreements, which is one of my favourite self-discovery and personal growth books. I’ve read the book many times and often revisit it when I feel derailed and overwhelmed with limiting beliefs. Its profound and straightforward wisdom grounds me and has provided me with a code of conduct that can easily be applied to daily life.
The Four Agreements
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
I also mentioned in my November blog that I would write about each agreement in more detail. With this blog, I’ll discuss The Second Agreement:
Don’t Take Anything Personally
· Nothing others do is because of you.
· What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their own dreams.
· When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Not taking things personally or worrying about what others think is a common struggle that we’ve all dealt with. When we were younger what our peers thought of us and whether we were popular was more important than anything else. As a teenager, we will do almost anything to be accepted, even things we dislike or that go against our values.
Thankfully, these years are short-lived, and we hopefully leave our teenage angst of desperately trying to fit in behind us.
However, this is probably not the case, and most of us worry about what others think of us to some degree. Worrying about what others think has been one of the highest mountains of struggle for me to summit. I’ve worked on it most of my life, and at 61, I’m finally not as bothered by it. It was not easy getting to this point and the wisdom of the Second Agreement has helped bring me to this place.
Why do we take things so personally?
We are meant to be social beings, and our need to belong and feel included is primal. It’s not a great feeling when someone doesn’t like you, or you are excluded. We all feel this sting occasionally and can hopefully let it go. It becomes a problem when taking things personally impacts your life and happiness.
Do you care too much about what others think?
Are you adjusting your life according to other people’s expectations?
Is it hard to say no and set boundaries because you worry you could lose affection from a friend or loved one? Or that they may judge you and think you are not a good person?
Suppose you answer yes to any of these questions. If so, it’s time to ask yourself why you give your energy and attention to things that don’t serve you. Letting go of the shackles of judgement- self or otherwise, is liberating and will provide you with the sense of freedom that you deserve.
Not taking things personally doesn’t mean you become an uncaring jerk. You want to be a good person, be concerned about others, and be aware of what is happening in the world, but not at your own expense.
Also, you sometimes need feedback to steer you in the right direction, provided it is done thoughtfully. It’s the judgement that is hard and learning to be ok when you know that someone doesn’t like you for whatever reason, and not taking hits in life so personally:
not getting the job you wanted
a friendship or intimate relationship ends that you wanted to keep
someone you know well seems to ignore you at a party
Moving away from judgement takes practice, discernment, self-acceptance and maybe some therapy. Lao Tzu says: “Accept yourself. Non-acceptance is the root of all the trouble.”
Aiming for this, focusing on self-acceptance, loving and respecting yourself, and committing not to compromise who you are for the sake of someone's opinion of you.
Some more wisdom from Don Miguel Ruiz:
“When you see people as they are without taking it personally. You can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect.”
“Taking things personally makes you prey for predators. They can hook your attention with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want. Refuse to eat poison.”
“Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maxium expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me.”
Other things that might help:
Focus on the things that are actually within your control.
Don’t give your power away.
Worrying about what others think is exhausting.
If you know you are a good person, and someone doesn’t like you, it’s their loss.
We all have different likes and dislikes, and not everyone can like you, just like not everyone will have your tastes in books, music, fashion or food.
Be kind and respectful to people you don’t like.
Realize that everyone is thinking about themselves and won’t be too focused on you.
“What other people think about you is none of your business. The thing that matters most is what YOU think about yourself. What you think about your dreams, about whom you love, how you live, how you contribute to the world and so on. That’s what matters—your healthy opinion of yourself.” Kris Carr
The Second Agreement advocates the importance of having a solid sense of self. Understanding that each individual has a unique worldview that alters their perceptions and that the actions and beliefs of a person are a projection of their reality.
Be well.
Anita
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